Ultimate Guide to Overcoming Dating Anxiety from Your Anxiety Therapist in Charlotte, NC
What's that saying about the dating pool? Well, as tough as dating is, it’s even tougher if you struggle with anxiety. If the thought of dating makes your stomach flip, and not in a good way, then this guide is for you. By the end of this blog, you will learn 10 tips that will help you reduce your anxiety while navigating the dating world.
First a few stats
Anxiety disorders are the most common mental health concern in the United States According to NAMI, approximately 19% of adults in the US, have an anxiety disorder. That’s just over 40 million people.
According to the US Census Bureau, approximately 46. 4% of Americans are single. That means 117 million Americans over the age of 18 are single, never married, widowed, or divorced. With numbers like these, there's certainly going to be some overlap between those in the dating world and those who are also navigating anxiety.
It’s okay to be nervous
It's important to remember that there will be some level of nervousness associated with the dating process. That's to be expected. But there is a difference between anxiety and nervousness. Let's talk a bit more about that.
First, think about that feeling that you had the morning before a major midterm exam. How did that feel in the body? Now think about that feeling that you have when you log out of work the day before you go on a long vacation. Notice there are some similarities between excitement, nervousness, and anxiety. I like to think of these emotions as siblings.
Check with your nervous system
Check with your nervous system when you're in the process of dating, or even when you're on a date, to identify what you might be feeling in the moment. Recognize the difference between feeling unsafe and feeling uncomfortable. When you start to get those butterflies in your stomach, pause for a moment. Then ask yourself a couple of questions: What am I feeling? And am I feeling this way because I am uncomfortable or because I am unsafe?
If you are unsafe, do whatever it is that you need to do to maintain your personal safety, (i.e. leave the situation). If you are uncomfortable, take a moment to become curious about that feeling. You can ask yourself what is it about this scenario that is making me feel uncomfortable? Is it reminding me of something that I've experienced previously? Am I uncomfortable simply because this is new? Being curious about those feelings instead of judging them will help you uncover what to do next.
Name it to disarm it
Simply name what you're feeling. You could even say to your date, “Ooh, I just got a wave of anxiety that just rushed over me.” You never know, they might be feeling the same way and you could have actually introduced a conversation starter. So it's okay to name it because naming it also disarms it.
Arrive early
Give yourself enough time to figure out location, directions, parking, traffic, etc. without having the added pressure of feeling like you're going to be late to your date. Give yourself enough time and leeway to arrive early.
This will also allow you to just take a beat before you meet the person. You’ll be able to calm yourself down, take a few deep breaths, and begin your date feeling relaxed.
What to wear
Wear something that you feel comfortable and confident in. This tip is not for the other person. This tip is for you! If you're worried about your shoes that are pinching your toes and something not fitting quite comfortably, then how are you going to be fully present on your date? If you wear something that you feel comfortable and confident in, then your mind will not be distracted by your clothing or the shoes that pinch your feet. You get to focus all of your attention on just being present in the moment.
Bonus
Wear your favorite fragrance or a scent that is connected to a positive memory.
Prepare for small talk
If you struggle with making small talk or the typical questions (i.e. Where are you from? What do you do? Do you have any siblings?) completely give you the ick. That's okay! Take some time before your date to brainstorm a few topics that you could go on and on about and that you enjoy discussing. It's okay to weave these topics into the conversation so that it feels like a natural dialogue instead of an interview.
Be yourself
Don't be so focused on trying to get the other person to like you that you end up abandoning who you truly are and betraying yourself in the process.
It's okay to say no to something or let the person know if they said or did something that crossed the line. Dating is all about getting to know a person. If you're not showing up as your authentic self, then how are they going to get to know YOU?
You won’t be able to figure out if you are compatible with your authentic self if a false representative self shows up on the date. So remember, just be yourself.
Don't put so much pressure on it
Don't put so much pressure on it. The purpose of dating is simply getting to know a person with whom there is some level of romantic interest. That's it. Trying to figure out if this is going to be the person you spend the rest of your life with while you’re still in the early stages will lead to feeling an immense amount of anxiety during the process. And that's just a whole lot of unnecessary pressure. It's also an unrealistic way to measure compatibility. This mindset puts so much pressure on the date, on yourself, and on the other person.
So consider this question instead: Would I like to interact with this person one more time? That's it. If the answer is yes, great. If the answer is no, great. Trying to live in the future. And living in the present is a recipe for anxiety.
Be mindful of who you discuss your dating life with
Whether it's with friends or so-called “relationship gurus” online. Be discerning about where you get your advice from. And when you're getting advice, be discerning about what pieces you hold on to and what pieces you let go of. People are going to give you advice based on their own lived experiences, fears, and perspectives. That's why they even say, “If it was me, I’d blah, blah, blah”. So be mindful of who you discuss your dating life with.
Additionally, if you are the only single person in your friend group, you may notice a level of fascination from your friends with your dating stories. Sometimes people who are married or in long-term partnerships find themselves living vicariously through the dating stories of their single friends. This is your life - not the plot of a melodrama.
Be mindful of what it feels like for you when you're sharing your dating experiences with different individuals. Check in with your body. Check in with your nervous system.
Again, be discerning with whom you even decide to open up with.
Everyone’s advice doesn’t carry the same weight
So consider whether it is necessary to share all of the ins and outs and ups and downs of every dating experience that you have with every single person in your friend group. Probably not. It’s perfectly natural to be excited when you’re dating someone and you want to share that excitement. But I encourage you also to be mindful of with whom you choose to do that.
Anxiety therapist in Charlotte, NC
If anxiety is getting in the way of you having a full life and doing the things that you want to do, such as date, consider talking about it with a licensed therapist.
Perhaps the anxiety that you're experiencing is a result of a traumatic experience that you lived through or something painful from your past. And the anxiety is actually your brain's way of trying to protect you even though you're no longer in harm's way. Talking about it with a licensed therapist can help remove those roadblocks.
I’m a certified anxiety therapist in Charlotte, NC. My specialty is helping high achieving professionals who want the most out of life, but anxiety is getting in the way. I’d be happy to help you remove these roadblocks.
Click the button below to schedule a call with me so we can figure out a plan to remove these roadblocks.
